Coffee, Cuddy and the Cutie
by Jackyblu
Summary: There is a new member of the team hired by Cuddy and House isn't too pleased. Set the day after 'Vengeance Of The Valkyrie'.


* The day after Vengence Of The Valkyrie. The original team is still in place.

Coffee, Cuddy and the Cutie

House arrived at the hospital around eight-forty something**,** almost early for him. Today was a triple Vicodin morning thanks to the verbal tango he had done with Cuddy last night. She always wanted to do these sambas when he was least likely to shuffle away from her.

_A cripple making dance metaphors; nice. _He smirked to himself_. _

House reached the office of Diagnostic Medicine, and stopped dead.

_Interesting._

He immediately noticed the posture and expressions on the faces of his juniors seated around the conference table, coffee cups untouched in front of them. Well, Cameron's was anyway. Something was up and House being House, wanted to analyze it before going in. He stepped back so that the window blinds hid him.

_The duck blinds, _he thought_. Don't want to spook them. They'll take flight._

Foreman was watching something across the room, his arms folded, looking both smug and delighted. His eyes, were laughing out loud.

_Got to play poker with him sometime. I could win enough to keep a hooker on retainer._

Chase was definitely grinning. Whatever was going on across the room was Christmas in July for him.

_Did a Victoria's Secret model wander in lost? I can dream._

Cameron was pissed. No other word for it. From the top of her fashion photographer's wet dream head to her probably pink perfect toes she was seething.

_Very interesting._

The problem with the duck blind method of observation is that it did not allow House to see what they were looking at. He would have to enter the office for further investigation.

Moving past the blinds and into view he placed his hand on the door. He was now able to see one other person in the office. Dr. James Wilson was standing with his back to the door. House couldn't hear what his most bestest buddy was saying, but the body language suggested that Wilson was on the prowl. He was speaking to a desk.

_Wait! A desk? Since when did this office have another desk in it? And when did Wilson start schmoozing furniture? God, he really was lonely! _

House entered the office. Cameron ignored him. Chase and Foreman looked up at him eyes wide with anticipation, like a couple of kids waiting for a show to begin.

"Good Morning Dr. House!" Wilson cheerfully proclaimed.

"Good Morning Dr. Wilson," House said warily.

_He's being too damn loud and too damn cheerful. Must have got some last night. _

House rubbed his eye. Damn his head still hurt.

_Thank you Dr. Cuddy!_

Wilson was smiling his most charming and boyish smile. The one reserved for the ladies. He was wearing his pure white lab coat and trusty pocket protector, over soft grey slacks and a crisp light blue shirt. He was also wearing that yellow paisley tie Julie had given him. It was one of the few things she let him keep after the divorce. House hated it, mostly because it came from Julie.

"What's with the goofy smile? It looks cheesier than your tie," House grumbled.

Wilson stepped to one side to give House a view of the desk. Good thing he was leaning on his cane. Behind the desk sat a woman whom God had blessed in abundance.

_Oh no! No, no, no. Not today. Damn it Cuddy! _

As irritated as he was, he couldn't help but notice her reaction at seeing him. In the span of an instant he saw disbelief, anger, and then outright amusement flash across her face.

_That's interesting. _

He usually needed to talk to someone before he earned all those emotions. Annoyed, he shot a look at Foreman and Chase that wiped the smiles off their faces and made them look for something to do. He was about to say something to Cameron but saw Wilson shake his head in warning.

_What's her problem? I'm the one being messed with here! _

He looked back at Wilson and then jabbed his cane at his office door. Translation; '_Get your toned-butt in there now!'_

Wilson followed House into his inner sanctum smiling cheerfully.

"Did you know about this?" House demanded as he dropped into his chair and leaned his cane against the bookcase. He pulled his throbbing leg up onto his desk and reached in his pocket for the bottle of Vicodin. He shook two pills into his hand, popped it into his mouth and swallowed.

"Nope. But that doesn't make it any less fun for me," Wilson answered as he sat in his usual chair opposite House's. He leaned back and put his feet up too.

House noticed an envelope on his desk with his name on it in large black box letters. He picked it up and glanced at Wilson.

"Cuddy." He said with a nod.

"No doubt about it," Wilson agreed.

"Cuddy. I am going to kill her! Who is she?"

"Pretty sure she's still the Dean of Medicine and our boss. "

"_Don't_ screw with me this morning."

"Darn, and I was hoping for a quickie before lunch."

House growled at him. "You wish." He gestured toward the desk on the other side of the glass. "Who is SHE?"

"Oh, HER! She's your new administrative assistant."

House gave Wilson a sour look and opened the envelope removing a single sheet of paper. He shook it open with one hand and read aloud:

_**Dr. House,**_

_**This is to introduce Ms. Catherine Madre. She will be your administrative assistant.**_

_**Her duties include but are not limited to, opening your mail; setting your appointments and riding your ass for the charting you are so behind on. She will be in your department but answering to me. I hired her. You cannot fire her. She serves as my eyes and ears in your department and will be involved with everything you are doing.**_

_**I don't want you to worry about how you will be able to afford her. I am taking her pay from your department budget. It looks like you will not be able to get some of the things you requested this quarter. Sorry about the wide screen plasma TV for your office.**_

_**If you have any questions or problems with this new hiring by all means come and see me. We can discuss it and then I will have you euphonized putting you out of your misery and mine.**_

_**Most sincerely,**_

_**Lisa Cuddy  
**_**_Dean of Medicine  
__AND YOUR BOSS!!!_**

Wilson rolled with laughter. "Madre, Spanish for mother! She hired a mother to look after you and report when you're being bad!" Wilson laughed as quietly as he could, tears running down his cheeks.

"Get me a gun!"

"Oh no, you _can't_ do that, it being her first day on the job and all."

"It's not for her," House insisted with a head nod toward the unwanted desk. "It's for our Dean of Medicine, and _you_ if you don't wipe that _facacta_ look off your face."

Wilson mastered himself but continued to grin. "She's nice. You should try talking to her."

"You think everyone is nice if they have a rack like that." House indicated exaggerated cup size with both hands spread and held them a minimum of twelve inches in front of his own chest.

Wilson sighed, as he looked her way again. "They are nice," he agreed.

House rested his head against the back of his chair and closed his eyes. "Cuddy is devious. Normally I would respect that. She's hired big boobs out there to spy on me." House imitating Cuddy's voice said, "Oh Ms Mega Jugs. Is Dr. House hiding in the cafeteria with Dr. Wilson?"

Wilson answered House in a sickly sweet falsetto.

"Why no Dr. Cuddy. Dr. House is in the clinic playing his game boy in exam room one. After that he plans on going to Obstetrics to raid their refrigerator and watch General Hospital on their plasma screen TV. Then he is going to meet hard working Dr. Wilson in the cafeteria. Anything else I can help you with?"

House snorted a grudging laugh. "I'm screwed. Cuddy has hired her, so I can't fire her."

Wilson corrected him. "Actually, she works for you. That was the condition Ms Madre placed before accepting the job. She told Cuddy that she wouldn't work for you and answer to her. It would make for an uncomfortable work environment. That letter was to make you think Cuddy was in charge."

_House thought about the woman in the other room. She had great breasts and was intelligent. __It's going to be a real shame to let her go._

He looked at Wilson with one open eye. "And you know all this inside information how?"

"Shrewd Jewish trick. I talked to her."

"No wonder your people only needed six days to win a war." He rubbed his hand across his face and then held it there.

"Bad night?"

"A little worse than usual. I can't seem to shake off this headache."

"Why don't you get a cup of coffee?"

House grouched from behind his hand.

"Why don't you pretend its 'Be Nice To Cripples Day' and get it for me?"

"Gee that day seems to pop up a lot."

Wilson put his feet on the floor and rose from the chair. He shook his head still smiling and walked toward the door of the conference room.

That was too easy, House realized. He lifted his hand and raised his head so he could see the door.

"Hey, don't spit in it or anything!"

Wilson placed his hand on the door and looked back innocently, "Would I do that?"

He went into the other room. The door closed.

"I'm watching you!" House bellowed.

_Great, now Ms Jugs is making eye contact with me through the glass wall. Maybe she thinks I'm a lunatic and will quit on her own. Wow, she has nice eyes, brown like_ _Wilson's and nearly as big as her boobs._

She turned away from him and started sorting through his mail. Her back was to the glass. Now House went into diagnostic mode and little escaped his attention.

_Hmm, she has a small waist but rounded hips. She's had at least one kid. No ring on the left hand. She's probably a divorcee with a kid or two to feed. Great. Fire her today but pay her for two weeks. That will make me look less a bastard than usual. Even Cameron would think he was being nice._ _Nice? Me?_ He shuddered before continuing his observations.

Her chestnut brown hair was cut short to her jaw. House had always preferred women with long dark hair. Cuddy, Cameron, even his regular hooker Paula wore their hair past their shoulders. Only Stacy's was shorter.

_Stacy. Now there was an unwanted thought on this pleasant day._

He gave himself a mental shake and went back to his analysis. He decided that he liked the way she wore her hair. It said things about her. It was professional the way it swept away from her face, sophisticated, yet casual, like she could be outside in a breeze and not have a coronary about a hair being out of place.

_Oh my god. Quick, give me your comb!_

House had never carried a comb in his life. That drove Stacy nuts.

_Great, back to her again! Shake it off House. _

Wilson was returning with two mugs of coffee. He predictably stopped at the desk and spoke to the object of House's scrutiny. Her face turned to his, giving House a view of her profile. The face was round but the way the bangs were swept to one side created the illusion of length.

_She's cute he thought._ _What? Cute?_

This was a four-letter word that House _never_ included in his vocabulary. Cute implied warm fuzzy thoughts. Hell, it was the epitome of warm and fuzzy. Cute puppy. Cute kitten.

_Women with big knockers are not cute! __Cameron was the poster child for the National Cuteness Society, but House always thought of her as beautiful. Cuddy exotic. Paula incredible. Stacy stunning. This woman however, is definitely cute. God help me!_

Wilson's re-appearance halted the soliloquy in his head. He placed a red mug in front of House and then sat back down in his chair and settled his legs upon the desk again. He held a blue mug on his knee.

House looked suspiciously at the steaming mug. "I was watching you, you know."

"Relax, two sugars, no bodily fluids. Cameron offered hemlock, but I know your trying to cut back."

"She _is_ a little pissy this morning. Wonder what I did?"

Wilson rolled his eyes. "Once again, the world revolves around the great Greg House."

House pouted. "It doesn't?"

Wilson shot him the 'you-are-such-a-jerk' look.

"Cameron doesn't like the idea of another hen in the rooster house, House."

House lifted his coffee. "That was lame. Why don't you add that its ruffled her feathers?"

"Didn't want to lay an egg."

House screwed up his face. "If we're going to resort to bad puns, I'll need another Vicodin."

"Yeah, like Vogler needs another million," Wilson stated baldly. "Cameron's just afraid that an assistant would take away any _need_ you have for her."

House narrowed his eyes at him. " She said she was over me. That she had joined the ranks of those who hate me," House answered flatly.

"She still wants you to need her. She _needs_ to be needed," Wilson finished sagely.

"Yeah, I know. What she _needs_, is a hobby, and _I_ don't want to be it!"

House was about to sip the coffee when the aroma demanded his attention. His eyes snapped up and locked Wilson in dual blue lasers. "This, smells like… coffee."

"That was incredible! You really should be a diagnostician," Wilson deadpanned.

House took a careful taste. His eyes opened wide. It was like Gershwin playing across his tongue, '_Rhapsody In Dark Brown'_. It was rich and filled with nuances. House closed his eyes and let a low moan escape his lips.

"Oh, I know that sound. Try not to ejaculate all over yourself."

"_Where_did you get this?" he asked, eyes still closed.

"Coffee pot. Next room. I thought you were watching?"

House came out of his rapture and looked at him.

"You did not get thisout of thatpot. No coffee this good _ever_ came out of it."

Wilson gestured toward the new assistant with his mug. "It does when she makes it."

House followed the mug and looked through the glass. He became thoughtful. Finishing his earlier analysis, he decided that she was about 5'6" and somewhere in age between Wilson and himself. She had worked her way threw college as a coffee barista. He liked the way she had dressed for her first day. She wore dark blue slacks, a red knit shirt with ample cleavage exposure, and a blue jacket that matched the slacks but was at that moment hung over the back of her chair. She turned the chair slightly to the left and House saw something that made him smile. She was wearing low-heeled boots. She was comfortable and didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.

_Cool._

"So, are you going to keep her?" Wilson asked with one eyebrow arched at House.

House looked sadly at his cup.

"I can't keep her just because she makes orgasmically good coffee."

"You kept me as your roommate because I could cook."

"Yes, but you also did the dishes and washed my socks." House pointed out, shaking his index finger for emphasis.

"That was to avoid botulism. Also, I was tired of you stealing my socks." Wilson sighed pointedly. "Hey, here's a crazy idea. Why don't you get to know her first before you let her go? You might be surprised." Wilson tilted his head at House and then took another sip of coffee. "God, this is good!"

House became thoughtful again.

"Would you call her beautiful?"

Wilson choked, coffee now heading down his windpipe.

"Where did that come from?" he sputtered.

"Just a question. Seriously, you think she's beautiful?"

House was looking sincere. That was enough for Wilson to really consider the question.

"She's attractive."

House made a 'pfft' sound and dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand.

"Chase is attractive. You and I are attractive."

Wilson raised an eyebrow.

"Everyoneis attractive in someway. Except Atkinson in pathology, _ugly_ sucker!" House winced.

"Terrifying." Wilson agreed. He looked toward the other room again. "She's cute." He smiled appreciatively.

"I knew it! Cute. You know me,_ I don't do cute!"_

Wilson was about to make a snide remark that House would _do_ anyone who presented the opportunity, but decided against it.

"So she's cute. I can see where that would be a mark against her. You hired Cameron because she's beautiful for God's sake! Foreman for his street smarts, and Chase because his daddy was famous."

"They also had outstanding résumés." House said tightly.

"You received better ones," Wilson countered. "You hired them based on superficial reasons. So what's wrong with cute and coffee? Not to mention that she would also do your paperwork," he began ticking things off on his fingers, "and answer your phone, keep your calendar, sort your mail, and finish your charting. All the tedious tasks you hate, which Cuddy is prepared to chain you to your desk and force you to do!"

House pressed his lips together until they made one thin line.

"The fourth circle of hell."

He closed his eyes again. _When would this headache stop?_

"I didn't interview _or_ hire her; Cuddy did. This has got to be bad for me somehow."

_Am I trying to convince Wilson or myself? She's probably exceptional at her job or Cuddy wouldn't have interviewed her._

Although this hiring was designed to make him miserable, Cuddy was a professional. She wouldn't have chosen the first person that filled out an application. He also suspected his 'new assistant' was a single mom.

_Great. _

How big a bastard would he have to be to fire her without reason? He felt tired and defeated. Cuddy had bested him.

_Bitch._

Wilson decided to throw him a bone. "On the other hand, the poor girl hasn't met you yet. After being exposed to your charming personality, _she_ may be the one that gets a rifle and goes Cuddy hunting."

House was deep in thought. "Or," he said with a confident gleam returning to his eye, "She may be the one who goes running for the door. You're right Jimmy! I _should_ let her meet Greg House."

He drained his mug. "You think it would be wrong to ask her to make another pot before I drive her out of here?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Too bad." He pointed at the mug in his hand. "_Damn_ good cuppa joe. Her Twin Peaks are nice too."

"Oh yeah," Wilson agreed.

He looked at House and noticed a small smile on the older man's face.

Wilson chuckled to himself. House would get rid of his new assistant the day Cuddy bought him that wide screen plasma TV and installed it in his office herself; never in other words.

_Things are going to get interesting around here. Glad I have a ringside seat,_ Wilson said to himself.

He couldn't wait to see what House would do next.

The phone rang. House reached over and hit the speaker.

"House's Coffee House and Massage Parlor."

"You can't fire her!"

"Why Dr. Cuddy I wouldn't dream of letting this little lady go! She's a treasure. I can't thank you enough for finding her for me."

"House I mean it. She works for me, not you!"

House smirked at Wilson who covered his mouth with the back of his hand so Cuddy wouldn't hear his chuckling.

House used his most appreciative voice. "She works for me too! I am very impressed by her skill and her _other assets_. Believe me Dr. Cuddy I am sending you two-dozen long stem roses for hiring me the assistant of my _dreams_. I will _never _be able to thank you enough for your kindness in seeing to _all my needs_."

House hung up the phone.

Wilson stood and applauded. "Bravo!"

House gave a wave of his hand.

"The second act should commence in about two minutes."

"Do I have time to get more coffee?" Wilson asked.

"Two cups if you please sir."

"Of course," Wilson said with a small bow.

"Better hurry. No one will be seated after the program begins."

"My feet are like wings Sahib," Wilson answered and rushed out with the two cups.

House closed his eyes and sighed inwardly. He had to get ready to tango with Cuddy again. Soon, too soon in House's opinion he heard the staccato tapping of fast moving impossibly high heals.

Wilson had just slipped back into House's office before the conference room door opened and Cuddy was standing in front of the new assistant's desk.

House took the mug Wilson offered as he sat down.

"Show time," House said softly.

They could see a very worried Dr. Cuddy asking questions of a very confused Ms Madre.

Cuddy kept indicating House's office and presumably the resident there in. Ms Madre kept shaking her head. The longer the Q & A went on the more exasperated became Cuddy's expression. Finally Cuddy nodded and marched herself out of the office. She paused only long enough to push open House's office door.

"You ass!" She exclaimed and then left in a huff.

Wilson looked at House admiringly.

"Well played sir."

Wilson raised his mug.

"To Cuddy, bless her low cut tops, stilettos and tight skirts."

House nodded and raised his own.

"To large funbags and great coffee," House proclaimed. "May we never be without either."

"I drink to that," Wilson said smiling.

"What?" House asked.

Wilson took a drink from his mug. "I knew you'd keep her," he said.

"I suppose I should welcome her to the team."

"I already did."

House raised both eyebrows.

"That was presumptuous of you."

Wilson shrugged.

"I know what you like."

"And what is that?"

Wilson looked innocently at House.

"Great coffee of course."

"Of course," House agreed slowly.

"And screwing with Cuddy which you now have the ability to do because you know Catherine, works for you. She goes by Cathy by the way."

House closed his eyes and thought of the cutie in the other room.

"Hello Cathy," he sang.

"Uh, hello Dr. House," a female voice answered back.

House's eyes snapped open.

Wilson gave the introductions.

"Dr. House this is Catherine Madre. Cathy this is Dr. Gregory, I-am-an-ass, House."

House snarled at Wilson.

"I see you've met the hospital's champion panty peeler," House said indicating Wilson.

"He's kidding," Wilson said while his expression designated that House had a mere minute left to live.

She looked at both of them and then smiled warmly.

"I can tell this is going to be a fun assignment."

She handed a small stack of papers to House.

"Here is your mail Dr. House. The requests from people who wish you to take their cases are on the top. I marked the most interesting with a yellow highlighter. The rest seem very ordinary." She turned to go without further chat.

Wilson gave House a prodding look.

"Uh Cathy," House called out.

"Yes Dr. House?"

"Uh…welcome to the team…and all that."

"Well thanks…and all that."

Wilson leaned over and smacked House's foot.

"Isn't there anything else you want to say to her?" He hissed.

House sat up a little straighter.

"Yes. Yes there is."

"Yes Dr. House?"

House looked embarrassed for a moment. Then he composed himself.

"You make great coffee."

"Thanks. Is there anything else?"

House looked like a six year old trying to tell a girl he liked her.

"Just so we're clear, you told Cuddy you work for me and not her right?"

"Yes."

"And Cuddy wants me to think that you work for her, right?"

"Yes."

"And you didn't tell her that I know you work for me?"

"No."

"So there's a potential for me to have a lot of fun with this isn't there?"

"Yes."

House's smiled blissfully.

"Ms Madre this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"I hope so Dr. House," she said.

She turned and walked back to the conference room. As she opened the door she looked back at the man with his feet upon the desk.

_I really hope so Dr. House_ she thought with a sigh.

End


End file.
